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Has it sometimes happened to you that you feel like you don't fit in?
Are there problems that you thought were solved and after a while they reappear? Maybe you don't know how to use the right approach to overcome some situations.
The personal growth expertLise Bourbeauwith his book “The five wounds that prevent being oneself” It shows us that all physical, emotional or mental problems come from five important sources of pain in childhood: rejection, abandonment, humiliation, betrayal and injustice. Thanks to the carefully detailed description of these internal wounds, and the masks that we have designed in order not to see or feel, the true cause of a certain problem in our life is identified.
Lise Bourbeau defines 5 wounds main ones that correspond in turn to 5 masks: rejection, abandonment, humiliation, betrayal and injustice. In correspondence with these 5 wounds, there are the following 5 masks: the fugitive, the dependent, the masochist, the dominator and the rigid.
- 1 Rejection wound
- 2 Abandonment wound
- 3 Humiliation wound
- 4 Betrayal wound
- 5 Injury of injustice
- 6 The fugitive
- 7 The Dependent
- 8 The Masochist
- 9 The Dominator
- 10 The Rigid
The adult who has this wound lived experiences of rejection in his childhood and will tend to reject himself and others, he will also reject pleasant and successful experiences because of the deep feeling of internal emptiness and for having the mistaken belief of being “unworthy” . Blame others for being rejected and without being aware of it, it is he who isolates himself thus creating his vicious circle.
Loneliness becomes the worst fear of those who lived abandonment in childhood. And his wound becomes his paradox: “Whoever lived abandonment will tend to abandon projects and couples, until he becomes aware of his lack and becomes responsible for his life and loneliness. And think: "I abandon you, before being abandoned by you."
Adults who had experiences of all kinds of abuse, including sexual abuse, or experienced humiliation, comparisons or who were ridiculed, ashamed of their physical appearance, their attitudes and / or behaviors during their childhood, often carry that burden and Most of the time they are insecure, shy and undecided beings who feel guilty and do not believe they have elementary rights, and may even doubt their right to exist.
The adult with a betrayal wound will be a distrustful hopeless, since it is not allowed to trust anything or anyone. His biggest fear is a lie and he will unconsciously seek to get involved in situations where he will inevitably be betrayed. Fulfilling the prophecy he decreed: "Do not trust anyone, everyone betrays you." Most of those who experience jealousy had experiences of betrayal in their childhood.
Injury of injustice
Experiencing inequity is the worst anger of those who are injured by injustice, and it is possible to identify those who have lived through it in their childhood by observing disproportionate and neurotic reactions to an unfair situation. All people at some time have lived or witnessed unfair situations, however those who have the wound are unable to deal with it and their reactions tend to self-destruction. One of the most important characteristics is their great fear of being wrong and their tendency to seek perfection, which brings them much frustration and their great challenge to heal is to seek flexibility and humility.
These masks define you physically and emotionally, do you want to know how? Below you have a list of the main features, they do not have to be all in the same type, but most.
- He prefers the spiritual world, literature, fantasies
- He is a perfectionist and suspects that if a mistake is made he will be rejected
- Believe in the background that it is unworthy (at least in part) of being in the world
- It is believed to have little value
- He is usually thin, does not have the patience to eat or lacks appetite
- In social situations that becomes invisible
- He likes loneliness, for fear that if people see him, they will be judged for his behavior and will reject him
- Avoid people's attention
- He does not believe in himself and expects others to constantly support him
- He thinks he is a victim
- You cannot make decisions on your own, always ask for advice and confirmations
- It usually has the voice of a child
- His main emotion is sadness
- He does everything other people want so they don't reject him
- He likes sex and uses his skills to keep a relationship together
- Seek attention and approval constantly
- Loneliness is your biggest fear
- Frequently change your moods
- He is ashamed of himself or other people, so he tends to hide
- He is obsessed with cleanliness, perfect clothes and the way he looks, so that other people do not despise him
- Hide the events in your life that seem humiliating
- It does not usually meet your needs conveniently
- It is believed inferior to other people
- He is easily hurt by critics and feels humiliated
- His biggest fear is freedom
- It attracts people who make you feel humiliated. A woman can attract a man who flirts with other women, a man can attract a woman who is very provocative to other men.
- They voluntarily help people, but they end up becoming their "servants," because they believe that helping people will make them value them more.
- He punishes himself in the hope of punishing his humiliator
- Look for situations in which you can forget yourself
- Eat too much to make up for missing things
- He thinks he is very strong and has a lot of responsibilities
- He wants to be perceived as strong and special. He is always talking about himself and his achievements.
- Has a hard time keeping his promises
- He gets angry easily
- It is seductive and manipulative
- Take power and make others feel weak
- Easily change your mood
- He believes he owns the truth and imposes it on others too
- Is intolerant
- He strives for his performances to be valued
- It does not accept its vulnerabilities
- He doesn't know how to confess his mistakes
- Strives to always be correct
- He becomes obsessed with justice
- Block your feelings
- Cross your arms often
- He likes cleanliness and discipline
- Is intolerant of mistakes
- His voice is flat and inflexible
- He does not admit that he has problems
- He finds it difficult to welcome people, he prefers to be alone
- When he enjoys himself, he feels guilty
- He has high expectations of himself and crosses his limits
- It is sensitive but develops a control over sensitivity so that it can be perceived as strong
According to Lise Bourbeau, although we wear these masks in a childish attempt to protect ourselves, paradoxically we attract the exact situations and people we need to feel rejected, abandoned, humiliated, betrayed or unfairly.
Luckily, healing our wounds and getting out of these masks is possible if:
- We recognize the wound (s) and the mask (s) we wear
- We forgive ourselves and the people who hurt us
- We begin to accept and love ourselves as we are
I hope you are not sad because you have already identified your wound and your mask, because all this surely triggers some memories and emotions. Above all, do not obsess over this new identity found. You know how you are, so cheer up, love yourself today, tomorrow and always ... unconditionally. This is the best medicine.
Boureau, L. The five wounds that prevent being oneself. Ed. OS Stare. 2014
Boureau, L. Listen to your body, it is your best friend on earth. Ed. Sirius. 2016